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“Blessings Over Bondage”
By Peter Garich
Understanding who we are (our identity as children of God) and how we fit in (finding freedom in our relationships) are extremely important in the process of sanctification—becoming whole and complete Christian men and women. It is God’s desire that we have a deep personal grasp of these truths of intimacy and oneness, through Scripture and positive godly experiences, so that we will form holy relationships that will endure for the glory of God’s Kingdom. Unfortunately, we do not know how to have these kinds of relationships. Because of sin and our need to hide from God and others we have lived in banished isolation. Due to the sin of Adam and Eve we, too, cover ourselves with a fig leaf, shunning God and each other. “The terror of standing alone and exposed before another—not just physically naked but having our sinful hearts revealed—runs deep in every one of us. We fear the eyes of the person with whom we need or want relationship, the one whose love and respect we believe we cannot live without. What if we are known and not wanted? What if we fail each other (and we will) and the other’s disapproval is not just of what we have done (our standing based on our works) but also of who we are (our very identity)? What if we have been abused at the hands of a parent and we conclude that we are unlovable?”
These and a whole range of other “what ifs” can continue to keep us desperate and alone—with the mentality of a slave and not a Son or Daughter—or we can step out of the shadows and begin to humbly trust God. Let me illustrate what I mean and why this is so important. Some time ago a couple came to me for marriage counseling. In the case of the woman her problems seemed to revolve around issues of trust. She found it extremely difficult to trust her husband, or almost anyone else for that matter, and how she dealt with this reality was extremely self-destructive. In failing to believe she was a beloved wife and child of God her faith was swallowed by fear. Self-preservation was now her way of life. Gripping fear and the inability to form and sustain bonds of trust and intimacy with her husband was destroying her marriage. Due to these overwhelming internal struggles the other relationships she held dear were also deteriorating. The life she wanted was falling apart. In telling me about herself she recounted an exceptionally tormented upbringing. She never knew her birth parents and, from a very early age, she was shuffled between foster-homes like a piece of property. Unconscionably, many of the “parents” she lived with were abusive. She was not only unloved and unwanted but she was sexually and psychically abused as well. She knew that she was a human being and a female, but past that she had no reality of being a truly wanted and loved woman and daughter, let alone of how to be a loved and loving wife. Love to her was more akin to being liked or lusted over. And even that was based on what she did, or didn’t do, to attain it. When she was used sexually (by both men and women) she was “loved and accepted.” Being “safe and secure” in her relationships was always established by doing what others wanted or demanded of her. She was heavily involved in drugs, and the numerous destructive relationships she had with men were just a blur. What was most striking—and sad—about her was the level of fear, uncertainty and need for acceptance she exhibited in all her relationships, especially with her husband. Missing was that most natural need for love. True love—as characterized in most healthy relationships—was not a part of her vocabulary or her life experiences. For all intents and purposes her deepest relationships were formed in fear and established through performance—pleasing others no matter what the cost. Early on she learned that if she performed well then she would be “loved.” She also learned how to hate. Fear and abuse gave way to anger and hatred, which now became a natural way to express herself in her marriage. She saw the relationship with her husband as a minefield and he was out to hurt her. In the normal course of her marriage, conflicts that are usually no big deal became explosive episodes of fear, anger and mistrust. She was on the brink of losing her faith and they were very close to divorce—something these two, as Christians, thought would never happen! In her book, Risking Intimacy, Nancy Groom explains: “Abuse is a detestable word (and) it comes in many forms, some more subtle than others. But those who are its casualties are deeply marked by its wickedness. Whether the abuse is physical, verbal, sexual or spiritual, its damage is profound and long-lived. And any victim who does not find a safe place to come to terms with the damage [ especially of childhood abuse ] will experience difficulty establishing and maintaining intimate relationships as an adult. In our day it has become fashionable [though wrong to justify our present faults by focusing on our past wounding. It is nonetheless true that childhood trauma and abuse does not simply disappear from our adult emotional [ also rational and volitional landscape.” Sadly, those who have been abused (which again ranges from the subtle to the grotesque) carry with them both the fears and the learned survival behaviors” that most abuse victims develop. These are inner attitudes and outward behaviors that serve the abused person in their effort to survive the unwanted subjugation by their abuser. For all intents and purposes, this mindset could be characterized as a slave mentality. There are three rules (from the pit of hell) that continue to drive the person—still believing they are enslaved—to endure such an unbearable existence: Don’t Trust. Don’t Risk. Don’t Hope. Taken individually, any one of these rules of slavery would jeopardize the chance of establishing and maintaining godly relationships of mutual love and respect. But taken together, anyone wanting to know the joys of sharing true love and intimacy the way God intended is doomed from the start. Or are they? Learning to love is a risky business, but never trusting, never risking and never hoping is a death sentence. The whole of Scripture and the very words of Jesus Himself tell—no, assure—us that life (not death) and freedom (not bondage) is the plan God has for us all, NO MATTER WHAT OUR PAST HAS BEEN!! Please listen to the glorious words of our Savior and God, Jesus Christ, as He speaks to the heavenly reality of freedom over slavery: “We are Abraham’s descendants and have never been slaves to anyone [said the Jews]. Jesus replied, ‘I tell you the truth; everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in a family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free forever.’” Having faith in and then applying the power and truth of Jesus’ words—as they proclaim our position as sons (who we are as the adopted children of God) and how we fit in (having the freedom to establish loving and enduring relationships)—is His answer to the curse of all our bondage. No matter how rejected and unloved we were—through the abuse of others and the ravages of our sin—our Savior, who was rejected by all and loved by no one, has given Himself up to death so that we are set free to live. This is the Gospel’s good news, and the place of Gospel-centered renewal to our hearts and minds, that “because of the tender mercies of God, by which the Dayspring from on high will come to us from heaven, to shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace.” (Luke 1:78)
God has grace and peace for us, but not the terror or tyranny of being slaves. Once being extravagant sinners, but now being saved by the gracious blood of our loving Savior, is a truth we must pray to nderstand as well as one for which we should give all worship and praise to Him who made it possible. In their book, Bold Love , Dr. Dan Allender and Dr. Tremper Longman III describe the power of God’s love as He invades our broken and fallen hearts: “God’s disruptive and scandalous response to our anger, hatred and fear transforms fury into gratitude and deadness into life. The silence that deeply changes our heart is the hush that comes when we are caught in our hatred and found to be without excuse. The experience of being captured by the eyes that searingly penetrate to the depths of our hurt and fury intensifies our shame and terror at first. Over time, however, the experience of being seized by God’s strong and tender sorrow (in light of what we deserve) stuns us beyond words and opens our heart to freeing gratitude.” There is healing in the penetrating power of God’s love. Not only has God reached down into our world—saving us by grace through faith—once and for all, but He has also begun within our hearts a process, over time, that will continue to free us and graciously move us toward Him and each other—now fully knowing as well as being fully known.
In His service,
Peter Garich
Posted on: 19th of November 2008 in Relationships | |
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