“Creating A Loving Environment”

Part 2 — by Peter Garich

 

  Plumbing the depths of how to create an environment of godly love in our relationships is more than we can accomplish in these few paragraphs. It is, however, possible to explore some of the most important passages and principles that, I believe, are primary to the process. I call it a process because, as humans, we are engaged in its ongoing practice for the rest of our lives. And since God cares so deeply about seeing us have godly relationships, He has been quite specific in His word as to how we accomplish this undertaking. Marriage counseling often reminds me of the importance of what can be created between two people. Recently I watched a couple, while sitting in counseling, go from a state of kindness and peace to boiling tempers in a matter of seconds. The initial, enjoyable atmosphere of guarded peace and love quickly turned into an out-and-out war of words with anger, hurt and resentment on both sides. The problem was not merely their fighting, but that they had no idea how they got there so quickly, or how they could change things for the better. Upon reflection, though, how we get to that point of anger and rage should not be strange to us. The truth is, it’s our natural fallen bent to go there—in our flesh we are inclined to fight with each other because our motives are selfish. Recall what Moses writes in Genesis 3:16 concerning our fallen proclivity to fight for personal dominance and control.  When God curses the woman after the fall, we’re

told that, “your [the woman’s] desire shall be for your husband [to rule over and dominate him] and he shall rule over you [to fight back; ruling over and controlling you in his position of divine headship].” John MacArthur, commenting on this very state of

affairs, writes, “Just as the woman and her seed will engage in a war with the serpent (i.e., Satan and his seed – v. 15) because of sin and the curse, the man and the woman will face struggles in their own relationship.  Sin has turned the harmonious system of

God-ordained roles into distasteful struggles of self-will.  Lifelong companions—husbands and wives—will need God’s help in getting along as a result.”  Sin seeks to rule us, and the breeding ground for such a struggle is found in the context of our interpersonal relationships. This is a primary reason the couple meeting in my office could go from a caring husband and wife, with some real problems, to warring factions within a matter of seconds. Some have referred to this primal struggle as the war between

the sexes. War is an appropriate term to use when describing this struggle, for it conveys the dangerous posture that two people take when vying for individual positions of power and control. Two people in the throes of such a struggle are at war.

  This, then, is the first step to both understanding how we got to the point of battling and finding our way out. We must recognize our personal battle within the greater war for establishing selfish domination over others. Each person is fighting for what they desire and want, and will do whatever they believe necessary to win. The end game for each participant is to get their desires met—no matter what. This is the sad state of affairs that all relationships go through—and Christians are not exempt. Jesus’ brother James wrote of such fights in his epistle to the early Church. He stated that all such wars come from our desires that battle within us. “Where do the conflicts and where do the quarrels among you come from? Is it not from this, from your passions that battle inside you? You desire and you do not have; you murder and envy and you cannot obtain; you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask; you ask and do not receive because you ask wrongly, so you can spend it on your passions.” (James 4:1–3) In his commentary on the book of James, Douglas Webster explains, “James’ counsel for the church goes beyond superficialities and guides the church into holiness in its internal relationships.  True spiritual direction not only challenges; it comforts, and this section of the epistle is a fine example. James is faithful to confront sinful motives and evil practices, and he is equally clear about the promise of God’s grace.” Webster tells us that James identifies how we get into our messes, as well as how we get out of them. Let’s look a bit deeper into James’ blueprint for overcoming our self-centered driving desires.

THE CORE OF THE PROBLEM:

The internal source of our quarrels—the sinful motives of the heart; our selfish wants, desires and needs—must be identified, challenged and changed if we are going to build godly relationships. But it’s not just anyone’s motives—such as the OTHER persons—but our own that must concern us. In starting with our own motives first we have a serious shot at creating interpersonal relationships that are loving and mature. “Make peace not war” was a familiar slogan in the sixties. But as great as the sentiment of the saying was, it is extremely difficult to accomplish. In his book, Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands, Paul Tripp makes this insightful statement: “James gets our attention, not only because he addresses an issue in all of our lives, but because he explains why it is there. Wouldn’t you like to understand why some people irritate you more than others?  Why relationships turn sour, and our own anger can flare so quickly…shouldn’t we consider why we, as sinners, are better at making war than peace?”

  “James answers [and]…challenges us to something radically different from our usual reactions to conflict. When angry, most people explain their anger by blaming something or someone outside themselves. (“She makes me so angry!” “This traffic

makes me crazy!”) James says we will never understand our anger that way. Instead, he counsels us to do the exact opposite—to look within. This is a fundamental biblical principle. The only way to understand your anger is to examine your own heart. According to Christ, angry words and actions are the heart overflowing (see Luke 6:45). If you really pay attention, you will realize that people and situations do not force us to be angry.” It is always the desires of our heart that undo us and not people, places or

things. Therefore, we would do well to start with our own hearts first before we move on. And even then it would help a great deal, before moving on, if we spend some quality time identifying our warring desires—with a measure of selfless humility—so we can become part of the solution and not the problem.

  The couple I wrote about earlier were not aware of the insights James gives for understanding and working through these problems as they struggled and fought. Had they been, they’d have had a real chance to do things differently. When I went over these passages and principles it was as if a light bulb went on. It was a real “God thing,” stopping them dead in their tracks. Finally they understood the need to look at their own sin first and not at the other’s. They were both extremely humbled by the process and it wasn’t long before God was showing them their entrenched desires. As quickly as they recognized their sins, they humbly repented. This was a work of the Spirit of grace, as James goes on to say: “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” (James. 4:6)

THE GRACE TO CHANGE:

With full awareness of our own sinful hearts—seeing our sinful desires as the problem, not the other person—we are now ready to travel the path of grace. This, James tells us, is the only way to realize change in our lives—to redeem our relationships for good. Grace is where we find hope. Dr. Tripp explains the heart of redemption by grace like this: “We are not battling by ourselves—God battles for us! James says more: ‘do you think the Scripture says without reason that the Spirit He causes to live in us envies intensely? But He gives us more grace.’ This jealous God is a giver of grace, the most powerful weapon in the war for the heart. God’s grace gives us power to say no to powerful desires…It makes us willing to forsake our kingdom for His. God’s grace forgives, but it also constrains, draws and wins [for grace is enabling us through the Spirit’s work]…[it’s] God-focused grace, fitted for the moments we are tempted to follow our fallen desires.” His grace is absolutely our only way through. If we’re going to

create godly environments that breed flourishing, holy relationships, then we will need to set our fallen and sinful hearts on the grace of God alone [Sola Gratia]. (Eph. 2:1–10, Col. 3:1–3)

“And this is true faith: this desire to obey God, that causes us to call sin sin, that causes us to see how utterly sinful we actually are, and that forces us to grace alone.”

 (Jeff Harkin, Grace Plus Nothing)

 

In His Service

 

Peter Garich

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