“Creating A Loving Environment”

part I 

   By Peter Garich

David had been coming to counseling for several months. His wife Mary had given him an ultimatum; get counseling or get out! The names depicted here are fictional, but the scenario all too often rings true. Most of their seven-year union had been characterized by extreme self-centeredness, often erupting into loud bouts of anger and emotional abuse. Before going further, I should state that they both had problems, which needed to be addressed, but Mary believed she had taken about all she could. David was angry, controlling and could create a sense of fear and oppression just by entering a room. Neither she nor the children wanted to live under this cloud any longer and counseling was their last hope. Although David was the first to come to a session; I knew that ultimately they would both need counseling so that true change could take hold. Her position was clear: David needed to change or she would divorce him. David’s response was also clear: he wanted to change and keep his family.

  I’m deeply troubled whenever I see Christian marriages in such turmoil and decline and, in my work, I see this all too often. In fact, according to some of the latest statistics, divorce in the Church is nearly as rampant as in society at large. The Church is quickly mirroring the world in ways that are just NOT acceptable in God’s plan and purposes for marriage. God’s best is that marriage is for life.

   David continued to come to counseling regularly and worked diligently to make his marriage better. But even though he gave his marriage and his personal life this level of attention, there was, as I mentioned above, something still missing. In order to get to the heart of their marital problems, they both needed to be involved. Unless Mary came to counseling, we would never see things from both sides or experience the changes God wanted.  This shift was not unique to their situation, but is the only biblical way to ultimately structure marriage counseling—both must be involved. God created marriage to be a joining together—“and the two shall become one,”—and both need to be there in order to realize this truth. Only by seeking God’s grace together could they receive the healing they desperately needed. Because they were both responsible for the marriage, they needed to share in the task of rebuilding it. Even though David rightfully accepted the lion’s share of the responsibility, Mary was also in need of God’s counsel. The marriage didn’t get the way it was in a vacuum, or just because of the ungodliness of one person. Both parties’ attitudes, acts and reactions played a role. The only way through this mess was with God and each other. You see, neither one of them really grasped the difficulty, and blessing, of working to creating a marriage according to God’s plan.  This was the task before us and we would begin as soon as they both were ready to do it together.

  Thankfully it wasn’t long before Mary was ready to join us in counseling. Now that they shared the single desire to create a godly marriage and an open, loving environment in which it could thrive, we were ready to get busy. But first, David had some unfinished personal issues. In the few remaining weeks before we all got together, David and I accomplished a great deal. A significant share of their marital difficulties revolved around David’s desire to control Mary. Fortunately, the more he attempted to manipulate and control, the greater his contempt and anger grew. I say this was fortunate because, as his anger grew, he was miserable. And the more miserable he became, the more he turned to Christ. Ultimately he knew that his attitudes and actions toward his wife were wrong and his anger proved it. Therefore Christ and repentance was his only way through the mess. The fact that David was trying to do something that was not part of God’s job description for a husband was evidenced daily as he tried to control Mary. But by staying in counseling, and more importantly by continuing to work on changing himself, we all had some hope.

  His sinful desire to manipulate Mary and the children was a subject we explored in some depth. As we looked to God and His word for answers, it became very clear to David that his view of love in marriage and parenting was not biblical and that he needed to repent. It was imperative that he ask Mary and the kids to forgive him, and he did. As soon as he asked them, they forgave him and, through his humility, the true and loving biblical basis for a godly marriage were now set. From that point on, our counseling became quite fruitful. God began to show David how to love his family. And in response David wanted to create and not control, bless and not boss, and minister instead of manipulate. He did this so that his marriage had an opportunity to open up and grow where before it was closed and dying.

   Finally, when we all got together for counseling, there were two themes that we knew we needed to explore. By focusing on them we believed we would set the godly foundation the marriage needed to stabilize and grow.

   First was the biblical idea that we are all created in the image of God. Second was the necessary belief that because we are in the image of God, we have the ability and mandate to create an environment in our relationships, which reflects God’s own. The relationship between the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit has an intimacy, which is exhibited by an environment and reality of true selfless love. Each reflects this love in ways that Scripture explains are the attitudes and behaviors we can and should show each other. In Scriptures such as 1 Corinthians 13:5–9 we are instructed in the attitudes and actions in which we must walk to experience the intimacy seen in the Trinity. Scripture also teaches clearly that, through the Holy Spirit, we have all we need for godly relationships expressed in a loving and trusting environment where His grace can flourish. Just as there are no hindrances or barriers between the Father, Son and Spirit, there should be none in our relationships. And just as He laid down His life for us, we can now do the same for each other. Then, our marriages and other relationships become pregnant with possibilities for selfless servants. With His help we can create hope, not hate; faith, not fear; and acceptance instead of alienation.

  As David’s attempts to control gave way to a ministry of selfless love, Mary’s trust began to grow. The environment he was now beginning to create was much like that of a hothouse, where the most delicate orchids both bloom and flourish. Even though the process was slow, it was steady and encouraging to them both. And although we were at the beginning of that process, their hearts were now in a place of hope and not despair. They were even sensing the presence of God and had a real reason to be thankful. It was at this point we started something I call trust and verify. First, trust in the Lord and continue to move ahead—believing the best about the other. At the same time, and with great humility, verify—by real steps of accountability—the attitudes and actions that were a necessary aspect of true growth. This was something that took a deep commitment and a real step of faith from them both, but especially from Mary. The commitment they were making was first and foremost to God. They had to have their hope fully in the Lord and not in each other—which must always be the case, because as sinful people we inevitably let each other down. This is why the writer of Hebrews instructs us to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus—not on each other—for He’s the author and finisher of our faith. Also, to continue to run the race marked out for us with the same perseverance as He did—not as the other person may or may not be doing (Heb. 12:1–2). Both David and Mary needed to have their mind, emotions and will set steadfastly on Christ and not on each other—this was the process of trusting. At the same time it was realistic and godly to have biblical expectations of one another, but only as they sought to love God and serve one another—this was the process of verifying.

   The work of rebuilding their marriage, although difficult, was not impossible. The Apostle Paul assured us that, “All things are possible with the Lord.” As David and Mary focused and fixed their hearts on Christ, acted in faith, and were humble instruments of God’s grace, their marriage steadily experienced that environment of God’s love. Even then, their growth was not without some trying moments driven by those not so old selfishly driven desires of the past. But there was newness to their love that only Christ could bring.

   David and Mary’s story should give us all a great hope. They have shown that through God’s grace we all can began to create a new reality no matter how dark the day looks.

In His Service

Peter Garich

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