“Creating A Loving Environment”

Part 2 — by Peter Garich

 

  Plumbing the depths of how to create an environment of godly love in our relationships is more than we can accomplish in these few paragraphs. It is, however, possible to explore some of the most important passages and principles that, I believe, are primary to the process. I call it a process because, as humans, we are engaged in its ongoing practice for the rest of our lives. And since God cares so deeply about seeing us have godly relationships, He has been quite specific in His word as to how we accomplish this undertaking. Marriage counseling often reminds me of the importance of what can be created between two people. Recently I watched a couple, while sitting in counseling, go from a state of kindness and peace to boiling tempers in a matter of seconds. The initial, enjoyable atmosphere of guarded peace and love quickly turned into an out-and-out war of words with anger, hurt and resentment on both sides. The problem was not merely their fighting, but that they had no idea how they got there so quickly, or how they could change things for the better. Upon reflection, though, how we get to that point of anger and rage should not be strange to us. The truth is, it’s our natural fallen bent to go there—in our flesh we are inclined to fight with each other because our motives are selfish. Recall what Moses writes in Genesis 3:16 concerning our fallen proclivity to fight for personal dominance and control.  When God curses the woman after the fall, we’re

told that, “your [the woman’s] desire shall be for your husband [to rule over and dominate him] and he shall rule over you [to fight back; ruling over and controlling you in his position of divine headship].” John MacArthur, commenting on this very state of

affairs, writes, “Just as the woman and her seed will engage in a war with the serpent (i.e., Satan and his seed – v. 15) because of sin and the curse, the man and the woman will face struggles in their own relationship.  Sin has turned the harmonious system of

God-ordained roles into distasteful struggles of self-will.  Lifelong companions—husbands and wives—will need God’s help in getting along as a result.”  Sin seeks to rule us, and the breeding ground for such a struggle is found in the context of our interpersonal relationships. This is a primary reason the couple meeting in my office could go from a caring husband and wife, with some real problems, to warring factions within a matter of seconds. Some have referred to this primal struggle as the war between

the sexes. War is an appropriate term to use when describing this struggle, for it conveys the dangerous posture that two people take when vying for individual positions of power and control. Two people in the throes of such a struggle are at war.

  This, then, is the first step to both understanding how we got to the point of battling and finding our way out. We must recognize our personal battle within the greater war for establishing selfish domination over others. Each person is fighting for what they desire and want, and will do whatever they believe necessary to win. The end game for each participant is to get their desires met—no matter what. This is the sad state of affairs that all relationships go through—and Christians are not exempt. Jesus’ brother James wrote of such fights in his epistle to the early Church. He stated that all such wars come from our desires that battle within us. “Where do the conflicts and where do the quarrels among you come from? Is it not from this, from your passions that battle inside you? You desire and you do not have; you murder and envy and you cannot obtain; you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask; you ask and do not receive because you ask wrongly, so you can spend it on your passions.” (James 4:1–3) In his commentary on the book of James, Douglas Webster explains, “James’ counsel for the church goes beyond superficialities and guides the church into holiness in its internal relationships.  True spiritual direction not only challenges; it comforts, and this section of the epistle is a fine example. James is faithful to confront sinful motives and evil practices, and he is equally clear about the promise of God’s grace.” Webster tells us that James identifies how we get into our messes, as well as how we get out of them. Let’s look a bit deeper into James’ blueprint for overcoming our self-centered driving desires.

THE CORE OF THE PROBLEM:

The internal source of our quarrels—the sinful motives of the heart; our selfish wants, desires and needs—must be identified, challenged and changed if we are going to build godly relationships. But it’s not just anyone’s motives—such as the OTHER persons—but our own that must concern us. In starting with our own motives first we have a serious shot at creating interpersonal relationships that are loving and mature. “Make peace not war” was a familiar slogan in the sixties. But as great as the sentiment of the saying was, it is extremely difficult to accomplish. In his book, Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands, Paul Tripp makes this insightful statement: “James gets our attention, not only because he addresses an issue in all of our lives, but because he explains why it is there. Wouldn’t you like to understand why some people irritate you more than others?  Why relationships turn sour, and our own anger can flare so quickly…shouldn’t we consider why we, as sinners, are better at making war than peace?”

  “James answers [and]…challenges us to something radically different from our usual reactions to conflict. When angry, most people explain their anger by blaming something or someone outside themselves. (“She makes me so angry!” “This traffic

makes me crazy!”) James says we will never understand our anger that way. Instead, he counsels us to do the exact opposite—to look within. This is a fundamental biblical principle. The only way to understand your anger is to examine your own heart. According to Christ, angry words and actions are the heart overflowing (see Luke 6:45). If you really pay attention, you will realize that people and situations do not force us to be angry.” It is always the desires of our heart that undo us and not people, places or

things. Therefore, we would do well to start with our own hearts first before we move on. And even then it would help a great deal, before moving on, if we spend some quality time identifying our warring desires—with a measure of selfless humility—so we can become part of the solution and not the problem.

  The couple I wrote about earlier were not aware of the insights James gives for understanding and working through these problems as they struggled and fought. Had they been, they’d have had a real chance to do things differently. When I went over these passages and principles it was as if a light bulb went on. It was a real “God thing,” stopping them dead in their tracks. Finally they understood the need to look at their own sin first and not at the other’s. They were both extremely humbled by the process and it wasn’t long before God was showing them their entrenched desires. As quickly as they recognized their sins, they humbly repented. This was a work of the Spirit of grace, as James goes on to say: “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” (James. 4:6)

THE GRACE TO CHANGE:

With full awareness of our own sinful hearts—seeing our sinful desires as the problem, not the other person—we are now ready to travel the path of grace. This, James tells us, is the only way to realize change in our lives—to redeem our relationships for good. Grace is where we find hope. Dr. Tripp explains the heart of redemption by grace like this: “We are not battling by ourselves—God battles for us! James says more: ‘do you think the Scripture says without reason that the Spirit He causes to live in us envies intensely? But He gives us more grace.’ This jealous God is a giver of grace, the most powerful weapon in the war for the heart. God’s grace gives us power to say no to powerful desires…It makes us willing to forsake our kingdom for His. God’s grace forgives, but it also constrains, draws and wins [for grace is enabling us through the Spirit’s work]…[it’s] God-focused grace, fitted for the moments we are tempted to follow our fallen desires.” His grace is absolutely our only way through. If we’re going to

create godly environments that breed flourishing, holy relationships, then we will need to set our fallen and sinful hearts on the grace of God alone [Sola Gratia]. (Eph. 2:1–10, Col. 3:1–3)

“And this is true faith: this desire to obey God, that causes us to call sin sin, that causes us to see how utterly sinful we actually are, and that forces us to grace alone.”

 (Jeff Harkin, Grace Plus Nothing)

 

In His Service

 

Peter Garich

        “Creating A Loving Environment”

part I 

   By Peter Garich

David had been coming to counseling for several months. His wife Mary had given him an ultimatum; get counseling or get out! The names depicted here are fictional, but the scenario all too often rings true. Most of their seven-year union had been characterized by extreme self-centeredness, often erupting into loud bouts of anger and emotional abuse. Before going further, I should state that they both had problems, which needed to be addressed, but Mary believed she had taken about all she could. David was angry, controlling and could create a sense of fear and oppression just by entering a room. Neither she nor the children wanted to live under this cloud any longer and counseling was their last hope. Although David was the first to come to a session; I knew that ultimately they would both need counseling so that true change could take hold. Her position was clear: David needed to change or she would divorce him. David’s response was also clear: he wanted to change and keep his family.

  I’m deeply troubled whenever I see Christian marriages in such turmoil and decline and, in my work, I see this all too often. In fact, according to some of the latest statistics, divorce in the Church is nearly as rampant as in society at large. The Church is quickly mirroring the world in ways that are just NOT acceptable in God’s plan and purposes for marriage. God’s best is that marriage is for life.

   David continued to come to counseling regularly and worked diligently to make his marriage better. But even though he gave his marriage and his personal life this level of attention, there was, as I mentioned above, something still missing. In order to get to the heart of their marital problems, they both needed to be involved. Unless Mary came to counseling, we would never see things from both sides or experience the changes God wanted.  This shift was not unique to their situation, but is the only biblical way to ultimately structure marriage counseling—both must be involved. God created marriage to be a joining together—“and the two shall become one,”—and both need to be there in order to realize this truth. Only by seeking God’s grace together could they receive the healing they desperately needed. Because they were both responsible for the marriage, they needed to share in the task of rebuilding it. Even though David rightfully accepted the lion’s share of the responsibility, Mary was also in need of God’s counsel. The marriage didn’t get the way it was in a vacuum, or just because of the ungodliness of one person. Both parties’ attitudes, acts and reactions played a role. The only way through this mess was with God and each other. You see, neither one of them really grasped the difficulty, and blessing, of working to creating a marriage according to God’s plan.  This was the task before us and we would begin as soon as they both were ready to do it together.

  Thankfully it wasn’t long before Mary was ready to join us in counseling. Now that they shared the single desire to create a godly marriage and an open, loving environment in which it could thrive, we were ready to get busy. But first, David had some unfinished personal issues. In the few remaining weeks before we all got together, David and I accomplished a great deal. A significant share of their marital difficulties revolved around David’s desire to control Mary. Fortunately, the more he attempted to manipulate and control, the greater his contempt and anger grew. I say this was fortunate because, as his anger grew, he was miserable. And the more miserable he became, the more he turned to Christ. Ultimately he knew that his attitudes and actions toward his wife were wrong and his anger proved it. Therefore Christ and repentance was his only way through the mess. The fact that David was trying to do something that was not part of God’s job description for a husband was evidenced daily as he tried to control Mary. But by staying in counseling, and more importantly by continuing to work on changing himself, we all had some hope.

  His sinful desire to manipulate Mary and the children was a subject we explored in some depth. As we looked to God and His word for answers, it became very clear to David that his view of love in marriage and parenting was not biblical and that he needed to repent. It was imperative that he ask Mary and the kids to forgive him, and he did. As soon as he asked them, they forgave him and, through his humility, the true and loving biblical basis for a godly marriage were now set. From that point on, our counseling became quite fruitful. God began to show David how to love his family. And in response David wanted to create and not control, bless and not boss, and minister instead of manipulate. He did this so that his marriage had an opportunity to open up and grow where before it was closed and dying.

   Finally, when we all got together for counseling, there were two themes that we knew we needed to explore. By focusing on them we believed we would set the godly foundation the marriage needed to stabilize and grow.

   First was the biblical idea that we are all created in the image of God. Second was the necessary belief that because we are in the image of God, we have the ability and mandate to create an environment in our relationships, which reflects God’s own. The relationship between the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit has an intimacy, which is exhibited by an environment and reality of true selfless love. Each reflects this love in ways that Scripture explains are the attitudes and behaviors we can and should show each other. In Scriptures such as 1 Corinthians 13:5–9 we are instructed in the attitudes and actions in which we must walk to experience the intimacy seen in the Trinity. Scripture also teaches clearly that, through the Holy Spirit, we have all we need for godly relationships expressed in a loving and trusting environment where His grace can flourish. Just as there are no hindrances or barriers between the Father, Son and Spirit, there should be none in our relationships. And just as He laid down His life for us, we can now do the same for each other. Then, our marriages and other relationships become pregnant with possibilities for selfless servants. With His help we can create hope, not hate; faith, not fear; and acceptance instead of alienation.

  As David’s attempts to control gave way to a ministry of selfless love, Mary’s trust began to grow. The environment he was now beginning to create was much like that of a hothouse, where the most delicate orchids both bloom and flourish. Even though the process was slow, it was steady and encouraging to them both. And although we were at the beginning of that process, their hearts were now in a place of hope and not despair. They were even sensing the presence of God and had a real reason to be thankful. It was at this point we started something I call trust and verify. First, trust in the Lord and continue to move ahead—believing the best about the other. At the same time, and with great humility, verify—by real steps of accountability—the attitudes and actions that were a necessary aspect of true growth. This was something that took a deep commitment and a real step of faith from them both, but especially from Mary. The commitment they were making was first and foremost to God. They had to have their hope fully in the Lord and not in each other—which must always be the case, because as sinful people we inevitably let each other down. This is why the writer of Hebrews instructs us to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus—not on each other—for He’s the author and finisher of our faith. Also, to continue to run the race marked out for us with the same perseverance as He did—not as the other person may or may not be doing (Heb. 12:1–2). Both David and Mary needed to have their mind, emotions and will set steadfastly on Christ and not on each other—this was the process of trusting. At the same time it was realistic and godly to have biblical expectations of one another, but only as they sought to love God and serve one another—this was the process of verifying.

   The work of rebuilding their marriage, although difficult, was not impossible. The Apostle Paul assured us that, “All things are possible with the Lord.” As David and Mary focused and fixed their hearts on Christ, acted in faith, and were humble instruments of God’s grace, their marriage steadily experienced that environment of God’s love. Even then, their growth was not without some trying moments driven by those not so old selfishly driven desires of the past. But there was newness to their love that only Christ could bring.

   David and Mary’s story should give us all a great hope. They have shown that through God’s grace we all can began to create a new reality no matter how dark the day looks.

In His Service

Peter Garich

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